Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
