seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
