I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
