honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
