somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
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