the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
