Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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