Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
