I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm like, not good at living.
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