He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
