i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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