Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
