i dont even know how to be here
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
