I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We just shotgunned beers for America
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
