So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
