I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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