tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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