Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
How does it feel to date your dad?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
