do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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