My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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