i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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