I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
