I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I feel like abortions should bother me more
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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