Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize