only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
