Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
