youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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