Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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