Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
