dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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