I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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