A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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