My room smells like vodka and shame
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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