I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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