Moan for me like Helen Keller
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Randomize
