I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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