I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
