you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Help me help you realize you are a moron
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
