I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
