he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
