well I can't set my house on fire every night
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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