i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
