I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
