Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
