Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
