i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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