i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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