you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
