o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize
