He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
