i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
