Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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