When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
