Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
