I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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