dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize