i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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