I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
