hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
