dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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