I feel great
I just peed on a car
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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